Thursday, 7 March 2013

All Change, Please, All Change

So, I sit here, trying to think of what to write in the same way I would sit at the beginning of an essay - thinking, ooh, I need to go load the dishwasher, put my clothes away, reroof the house, run a marathon.  Kinda funny really, given that I don't actually have to have an intro or a conclusion, a plot, or even a point.  All I have to do is blather and God knows I can blather.  I suppose a lot of it is just the fact that I'd gotten out of the habit of writing, so I thought, OMG I have to write about every single exciting thing that has happened (or not) over the past x period of time.  That's a bit of a job - work, almost.  So I don't - I put it off, life passes.  I have amazing and astounding thoughts on, um, amazing and astounding things and time passes.  I forget about them - they become bits of mental lint, fluffing away at the slightest breeze.  My whole point of doing this was just to capture the random blatheriness of life, as it happens, to force me to pause for at least a second to comprehend.  Somehow I'm blowing through life at an amazing speed - it always seems to be Friday or Tuesday and I think how the hell can that happen?  My six month dental appointment seems to come up every month or so.  I know this is a "feature" of growing older, but it worries and upsets me, nonetheless, that I somehow, while in college, managed to do really quite a lot of studying, yet managed to have what felt to me like quite a full life.  Now, on the other hand, life seems to consist of a certain amount of boredom at work, commuting, gym and trying (usually in vain) to get enough sleep.  I think I managed to do about an hour of work in the back garden last weekend before it got dark.  Somehow I want to fit into this things like learning German and taking up piano again, but I just don't know how.  I didn't think I was that disorganised... I mean, my God, I make up my lunches (salads) for the week on Sunday night.  That's organised!  Anyway, I have a month left in my current job, after which I take on the role of team leader for the GIS team at Greenwich Council.  They don't really have a team at the moment, not exactly, anyway.  I sure as hell never thought I would be leading a GIS team in some random London local government, considering I discovered GIS pretty much by accident and always assumed I would be a teacher, a lecturer, a volcanologist, whatever, but not a middle manager in a monster sized bureaucracy in a small and silly country in the middle of the Atlantic.  Oh well, these things happen.  Oh, by the way - my recurring dream of trying to get somewhere via public transport, barefoot and in the snow (those elements are always constant, but the details change) has changed.  Now, it seems, I'm on a complicated road network - always the same complicated network (I seem to have it mapped out in my head, rather appropriately).  There is still always snow.  But now instead of trying to get public transport to some ridiculous and far away location, I'm in the back seat of a car, trying to steer it while looking over someone's shoulder.  So, I suppose it is moving from a feeling of disempowerment to being ceded control but being afraid of losing it.  Or something.  Maybe I need therapy.  ECT. ;-)  Anyway, I'm trying to do this over the blare of the TV and it's actually some scientific program, rather than Spongebob, meaning I'm having a hard time focussing on this.  Must try to get back to random and regular blather...

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