Morning bike ride grumble...

Message seen this morning on the Rectory Road Church (giggle) to the young, urban illiterate…

Msg from God: I [Heart] U.

Oy vey.

Had a most annoying bike ride this morning. The warm spring weather seems to have brought out the cycling dickheads in droves. There are several distinct types of cycling dickheads…

1. Fatass male on either folding bike or hybrid. Clothing can range anywhere from full-on lycra to some random combination of excessively tight cotton shorts and a sweaty t-shirt. Fatass male can be quite fast, but almost always has seat too low, toes pointed outwards like a duck, and pedals like he is trying to create a fire with the inside of his thighs. Fatass male has an amazing tendency to speed on by then suddenly slow when he discovers that it takes a lot of energy to haul said fat ass…

2. City-boy type on super-racing bike, clad head to toe in lycra. City boys never smile, nor do they usually acknowledge others on the road unless it is to give them a rude gesture, blow snot out their noses in their general direction or fly through a red light without even the slightest concern as to whether there may or may not be pedestrians trying to cross. City boys usually also wear dark sunglasses, so it is very difficult to make eye contact with them to try to ascertain their next move. City boys are usually very fast and on the most expensive bikes, and tend to inspire the greatest feelings of wanting to push them over.

3. The fixed-gear, messenger type. It used to be that it was actually messengers who road fixed gear bikes. They had a tendency to weave at very high speeds through city traffic and regarded lights as mere annoyances. True messengers, however, can, to at least some degree, be forgiven for being assholes on the road – it’s a dangerous job. Now, however, the fixed gear bike has taken on a sort of cult status (why, I don’t know), and increasingly seems to be ridden by the Shorditch type – young, usually male, peg-legged jeans, t-shirt or cardigan, Pete Daugherty type hat or sometimes even a BMX helmet. They have a tendency to stand on their pedals at traffic lights (when they notice them) and are rather unpredictable in their behaviour.

4. Clueless new person trying to look as cool as possible and creating a hazard on the road. This person has only recently come to cycling – perhaps finally realising that the Tube and the bus are annoying, smelly, slow and generally unpleasant. They have no idea how to behave in London traffic, are completely erratic, are considerably more dangerous to other cyclists than the car traffic, and are even on par with pedestrians when it comes to the general ass-headed ‘oh, I hadn’t noticed – it’s a road!’ department.

Of course, there are plenty of perfectly lovely people on there on bikes, but as the roads get more crowded, I do understand why the average Londoner seems to want as many cyclists to be run over by buses as possible. Sad.

Perhaps tomorrow morning I will change my route and see if I can discover a bit of peace again…